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January 30th, 2006
10:34 pm - whoops
Myspace.com has taken over livejournal officially.
I have a:
Decent job
Great kid
Awesome guy
And that's all I have the energy to type right now. Goodnite
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/tired.gif) sleepy
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October 16th, 2005
10:48 pm - Quick updates
- I got a job at Walgreen's call center
- mom's getting married Friday
- After far too many empty promises & words, I quit talking to Will. He has the only copy to this radio promo CD of mine I have that I really really need back but he won't return it. How hard is it to mail something back to someone? He's had a month to do so. There were alot of things he had a year to do that he said he'd do & didn't so I won't hold my breath about getting it back anytime soon.
- Ailee wants to be a fisherman for Halloween & I'm really hoping she will change her mind. She's so smart. She got to see her dad this weekend for the first time since August. It made her happy. She's so perfect.
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June 19th, 2005
04:12 am - my daughter's birthday
It's ridiculous how fast time goes by when you look back on it really. My daughter will be 3 Monday. I've accomplished barely any of the things I wanted to be for her. Scary
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June 6th, 2005
02:57 am - I lost the lipstick I've been painting my smile on with
If I told you the truth it wouldn't do any of us any good.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) blank
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April 8th, 2005
03:18 am
bought juliana some skates and knee pads and helmet and elbow pads so she could learn to skate. they were supposed to be on sale for 50% off .... got to the counter - sale doesn't start till tomorrow.... gotta get it anyway, I promised her. So I'm out $50 bucks and she's tired and being cranky and i'm tired and being cranky. I decide to take her to the skating rink... haven't been there in 12 years at least. I imagined I'd hold her hands and push her along and she'd have fun. Me in my regular shoes - yeah... I'm a loser - I don't know how to skate. And so we go out on the floor.. just as pictured. (don't worry - I didn't make her wear the helmet and knee/elbow pads... don't want my kid looking like a dork) I hold her arms so she can balance...my back is starting to hurt. She got brave and wanted to try it on her own....she was incredible.... no really. She took off and started skating as if she'd done it 1000 times before. No stumbling.....I was in disbelief. Then she started spinning around...She's just a natural I suppose. Like 4 different people came up to me and commented on what a good skater she was... 2 asked me how long she'd been skating....my response "umm.. 15 min?". We went to get something to drink. Then she was ready to skate again. We got out to the floor and she said "don't go with me mommy,i'm a big girl". A couple of tears went down my face as she skated away... a weird kind of emotion you just wouldn't understand until you have a kid. It's happy/sad. It's being proud/scared cause they don't need you . She turned around after about 10 feet and skated back to me. She saw one of my tears...she gave me a big kiss and said "don't cry mommy,i can teach you how to skate"
I'd be so empty without my baby.Love means something so totally different now.
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February 23rd, 2005
04:32 am - Life is good even when it's bad
Ailee and I got a place of our own!!! 2 bedrooms 1 bath...
No roommates. No sister. And no mother yelling at me 24/7.
This is euphoria. Just me and Ailee. I knew if I got outta my mom's and started a normal family life I'd be happier. But I didn't realize just how much. I get to rock my baby to sleep and wake up with her without my mom telling me everything I'm doing is wrong or that I'm a piece of shit and whatever else that came to her head. And Ailee is so much happier.We colored a sign tonight that says "Ailee and Mommy's house". Don't know where we are gonna put it....point is, we're a family now - and no one's steppin in the middle of this one. We're both happy.
Ok... technically it's a 2 bedroom apartment adjacent to my dad's house but they have their own separate entrance and I'm renting it from him anyway. It would be totally different if he was some protective father figure that set rules or got in my business, but it's no different than renting from a landlord. He doesn't even come to my apt unless I call him. I always want him to though. He's the greatest And since I'm approaching 24 and this is the closest I've ever come to living with him in 18 yrs... it's not at all like living with a parent.
See... I couldve bitched about the 1000 other problems I have but they dont even seem to matter now that we have a home of our own.
If people still read live journal I'd ask for decorating opinions which are much much needed
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December 10th, 2004
11:10 pm
ZankuuGoddess: well like i see it sanity comes and goes but dvds will remain stable
punchdrunkdayna: very true
punchdrunkdayna: what are u doin tonite?
ZankuuGoddess: it seems like nothing
punchdrunkdayna: seems like nothing for me too but things arent always as they seem
ZankuuGoddess: ok where is the asktray
ZankuuGoddess: ash
punchdrunkdayna: the asktray .... like a magic 8 ball u can ash in
ZankuuGoddess: kinda
punchdrunkdayna: see- we arent doing nothing - we are inventing
punchdrunkdayna: told u things werent always what they seem
ZankuuGoddess: ha i see
ZankuuGoddess: also we gotta find that button maker
punchdrunkdayna: oh yeah
punchdrunkdayna: we got lots to do
ZankuuGoddess: i feel like things are about to turn around
punchdrunkdayna: funny how life does that in a split second
ZankuuGoddess: yeah what a ride
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October 28th, 2004
01:17 am - Living to die and dying to live
When you are trying to make an important decision that would have a great impact on your life, the guidelines "do what makes you happy", "you know deep down in your heart what is right" , "do what is best for your future" and "in the end it will all work out" etc.
But what happens when there is no right option? What do u do when neither and both is what is best for you but in 2 different ways? What do you do when one option may be the best at the moment, but then later the other might but its too late. Do you wait? And if so, for how long? What if you've already waited too long? When is the moment that you know "everything has worked out"?
How do you abandon something because it's too much to handle but the probability of the outcome of the abandonment may be even be harder on you than that?
What do you do when you the one thing you need more than anything in the whole world is the same one thing that you need to walk away from more than anything?
How do you make yourself stop caring about someone who does nothing but hurt you? What is the emotional or biological factor that causes a human to care for someone?
What do you do when you want to fix things as envisioned but can't?
What do you do when you're absolutely 100% positively STUCK either way.
This is the part of the story when the tears usually come, then depression or maybe even thoughts of suicide - at least in the typical Dayna confronts adversity scenarios.
It does no good to cry or be depressed. Maybe take a little time off and clear your head.... but if i spend my life being depressed about being stuck then I'll miss out on so much more. I'm so glad I have my daughter. She is what eliminates the option of giving up.
How could I give up and surrender myself to a life of depression, regrets, and feeling not good enough when I look at her? Her life is just beginning, and in a sense so is mine.
How can I continue to cry when my life is actually full of things to smile about? like a daughter who serenaded me with "u are so beautiful to me" when I was trying to pee tonight among other random silly things she says and does when you need it most
How can I give up when this beautiful 2 yr old idolizes me and wants to be just like me?
I can't - and I don't want to.
I still don't know what to do about anything really. So I just concentrate on the one thing I do know.... that my daughter is so important to me, and I am important to her. I suppose thats really all I can do. Because I think everything else in my entire life is uncertain. Well, except that I have a nice ass.
So I guess there are 2 things in life that are certain.
Current Music: Barneyand Friends- "flying in an airplane"
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August 4th, 2004
06:55 pm - Life is so great because I ____________
1) weigh 123 lbs now
2) have the smartest and most beautiful daughter in the world
3) have the best boyfriend ever created
4) JUST FOUND OUT I MADE A B ON THE LAST TEST OF THE SEMESTER THAT I THOUGHT I FAILED!!!!
*if i'm dreaming, don't pinch me yet*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) grateful
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July 26th, 2004
02:58 pm - Wonderful life....
I spent the weekend in Auburn because Will referred me to a good doctor for me to go to since the doctors here in Florence don't know anything. I called Ailee to check on her. Before I left to go back home I told her I would be home soon. I asked her what she wanted to do when I got home. She said "eat waffles".
Current Mood: cheerful
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July 21st, 2004
01:48 pm - :)
(1)Things have been going so great. For the first time in my life I feel complete peace. I feel that I'm doing everything right. And while I'm still confused about religion and all that in general, God and I have such a great relationship now. Before now, He was just someone I read about, someone who was supposed to answer prayers and be your friend and blah blah blah. Now I can actually say that He is in my life and I know He's real. Sure, I still drink and crap. I'm not miss super christian. (Am I even a christian?!) So u can't call me a hypocrite or whatever because I'm not claiming anything. I'm just stating that I now know God is real.
I'm not even getting into the confusion about all the details such as the bible, jesus, etc right now because I feel like at this point, I know for a fact that there is a God and I'm learning about Him. We'll save all the christianity, doctrines, and logistics for when I'm ready.But for now, I am positively elated and in awe of all the wonderful things He has done for me. Like I said, I feel complete peace for the first time EVER. I know this all sounds like bullshit to u guys. It's not the in thing to be spiritual.
It would've sounded like bullshit to me too not long ago. Don't worry, I will not be witnessing to you nor carrying around a bible. I am a much different person now, but what I've got is between me and God. So don't be scared of me. ha
(2) My daughter.... she talks in complete sentences. She has curls. My baby is growing up before my eyes. She's beautiful and wonderful and also my inspiration to want to succeed.
(3) I'm having freakin surgery today at 4pm. I've got a 10 inch abscess on the inside of my leg that has to be cut open and taken out. (gross). Since it is internal, They don't know yet if it will be day surgery if I'll have to stay there for a few days. It'll be fine though.
(4) Did I mention I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole world? I won't go into detail because it will seem unbelievable, or like a fairytale. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I'm not saying I've never loved a guy more, I'm just saying he makes me feel different than any other guy has. And he feels the same about me.
I never imagined having a boyfriend with a brand new car. I never imagined having a boyfriend that had all his priorities straight in life. I never imagined having a boyfriend that made me feel like Cinderella every minute of the day. Wait forget all that- I never even imagined having a boyfriend that had a job.... much less a salary job! So yeah.. all the chaos was fun, but I needed to settle down. I guess if we get married we'll just end up being the traditional boring average looking middle class family. Well, other than me having a monroe which I don't think I'll even take out when I'm 65. These are the things I never wanted... Is it called growing up? Surely not, considering I decided 5 yrs ago that I will be 18 forever.
I'm gonna shut up now.......
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) giddy
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June 21st, 2004
05:11 pm - I'm the mother of a 2 yr old now!!!
My computer is basically dead so I haven't updated in awhile. Plus I have 10 minutes before class so this will have to be quick.
So much has gone on... I had to take Ailee to Birmingham last week for a doctor's appt. Laura and her baby went with us and we spent the night, took them to the zoo, the Galleria and Olive Garden. And let me tell you.... you don't know the meaning of the word "chaos" until you've taken 2 toddlers on a road trip. They both sat in the back seat next to each other. Both of them had 2 pacifiers a piece. Every 5 minutes we'd hear crying and look back and look back and Ailee would have FOUR pacifiers and a devlish grin while poor Abigail was defenseless. It was chaotic, but chaotically wonderful. We all had a fun time. I wish I could write more about it for my own personal records but I'm in a hurry.
Ailee's birthday was yesterday!!! She finally hit the big 2. We couldn't have a party for her because she was sick but we tried to make the best of it.
So yeah...Get her a present.
I met a guy. He really likes me. I'm skeptical and hesitant. Probably because he has a good job and actually has things going for him. But he makes me laugh. And he's good to me. I'm just taking things very very slow because a relationship was the last thing I ever wanted again, but yet I do in a sense.
-big plus- he's not from here.... so we're outta the FloTown drama loop and sex ring.
Gotta get to class... oh how I love thee, Algebra.
Current Mood: content
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June 4th, 2004
03:34 am - Today
The day in general has sucked but I'm back to my perky self. I think anyone's day would suck if they had to watch "Oedipus Rex" for 2 hours in class. I despise movies in class anyway- but I think I despise remakes of ancient Greek plays the most. I'm not complaining though. Other than class, I just chilled out. I still don't feel very well from last night. I got extremely sick when I was with Juicy and Beth.I don't know what was wrong with me. I had a few beers, but not enough to get me drunk. Suddenly it felt like I had gotten shot in the head and I started puking everywhere. I couldn't move. I suppose it has something to do with the optis neuritis crap. I thought I was having an annuerysm (spelled wrong but I don't feel like looking it up). Luckily Brandon came to the rescue and was my savior and took care of me and Ailee when he took me home. And that's when Jimmy came into play. No, actually... Jimmy never came into play, but dammit, I've meant to use that somewhere clever in my livejournal for months but I always forget and the fucker is moving tomorrow. Which for some reason I feel some type of emotion or feeling regarding his moving. Not a deep feeling or anything.... I don't really have emotions except when it comes to few certain things/people. Jimmy and I aren't best friends, but like I told him.. he's one of the few people here I actually like and everyone's leaving. Guess that means everyone is smart.
But back to Brandon - I thank you for helping take care of me so much and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. You went out of your way and I really do thank you. I'm gonna go prank call Jimmy now over and over so he won't get any sleep before his flight. Actually, no, I'm going outside to smoke.
Current Mood: awake
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June 1st, 2004
05:22 pm - I hate today
Today is the first official day that I have actually missed Jason since he's been gone. I thought when he left I'd be a basketcase for the first few months but it hasn't been that way. Sure, this past month there were little things I missed about being in a relationship from time to time, but for every one thing that I missed, I could think of 3 things that were great about being single. Maybe it's just because I've been so busy with this, that and the other that I haven't even had time to think about missing him and now I do...maybe that's it.
I've thoroughly enjoyed my time being single thus far,though. There are so many things I've gotten to do that I realized I wouldn't have done had I still been in a relationship. Nothing super exciting or anything... I guess I've just enjoyed having complete freedom and doing whatever I want.
And I will still continue to enjoy it. Just not today.
On a brighter note, however, I have lost 5 more pounds. I'm a freakin size 6 - can you believe it? Not that 6 is anything to brag about for the average person, I don't guess... but for me - that's smaller than I've ever been. More than 20 pounds I have dropped since the first of April.
On that note, looking at myself naked in the mirror should put me in better spirits.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) discontent
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May 30th, 2004
02:36 am - mistake mistake mistake
for some reason it wont let me edit my entry but i meant "the vows HAVE been said" blah. I despise typos. there are probably others though.
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02:04 am - a wedding, many beers, and inclimate weather
Laura and Bobby got married today. it was just a private wedding at her dad's house. just her close family and then me, my mom, selena and ailee. I was running semi-late anyway, but after that.. ailee refused to put her dress on (=10 more minutes late) then i realized the shoes that matched my dress were at my dad's house so I had to drive there first (=4 more minutes late). My dad wasn't home so, in a panicky rush, I tore thru the screen door on the back porch and broke in the house just to get my shoes. (tearing thru screen door = additional 5 minutes). So by the time I get there 21 min late, the ceremony is over and their eating cake and the vows I've been said. I felt like such an asshole. However, there was lots of beer and champagne at the reception. Then I took Ailee home to go to sleep and mom watched her and went back and drank and selena, laura, bobby, and her brothers and sisters all drank and drank and drank and drank and drank and drank. Which was kinda strange. Then we decided to go swimming, but as soon as we changed into our swim attire it started storming. Meanwhile some preppy guys were trying to do me the whole night and get me to spend the night. which was even stranger because after they sobered up, i'm sure they would have realized that I am not the one for either of them. It was funny- one of them talked to my mom on my cell when she called and told her he was gonna marry me. he wouldn't feel the same when we woke up and realized that i am not a cheerleader- but in fact, the complete opposite.fun times. the whole night was strange, but entertaining. I'm still bitter because we never got to go swimming - although the guys kept convincing me to wait 30 more seconds and they promised the storm would pass and we'd swim, but after an hour of hearing that, i started to doubt their mental dopplers. i'm still drunk as crap. It's been a fun night. Unlike any other wedding reception I've been to.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/drunk.gif) drunk
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May 27th, 2004
05:21 pm - Even though it's not the "in" thing to believe in God......
But sometimes miracles happen and it's impossible for me to believe in coincidence in those situations. Doctors have discovered some horrible health problems- life threatening even in the past 2 weeks that will stay with me always but I'm optimistic. It sucks that sometimes you have to lose everything before you start to think. And I don't think I would have a sense of peace or a feeling that everything was going to work out if I didn't believe in a higher power because I know that I wasnt and am not capable of pulling through it relying on my own self.
Mariah wrote this, but it's my theme song as of late
I've loved alot
I've hurt alot
I've been burned alot in my life and times
Spent many years wrapped up in fears with no end in sight
until my saving grace shined on me
I've been bruised
I grew up confused
I've been destitute
I've seen life from many sides
I've been stigmatized
I've been black and white
I always felt inferior inside
until my saving grace shined on me
Thank you for giving me peace, giving me strength, giving me hope when I almost lost it all. For catching my every fall - I still exist because you kept me safe. Always my saving grace pulls me through. I found my saving grace within you. My saving grace Lord is you.
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May 26th, 2004
12:03 am - It's been so long.....
How in the world could I recap all thats happened....
from breakups, makeups, school ending, school starting back, health scares, waiting on dr's test results, big desicions to make, trying to open a business with my dad, my best friend selling out and becoming someone I don't know, trying to find a place to live, waiting to find out if i will live.
I'm such an optimist now, though. Adding humor to any situation sure does make things better. I could go to my room and cry and be depressed but I really don't have time. I have been a busy little bee.
Current Mood: bored
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May 6th, 2004
06:19 pm
This is going to be another bitching entry. And I don't mean "bitching" as in "tight" "sweet" or "good". I mean that I will probably have nothing good to say.
I am completely exhausted and fatigued- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in nearly a week. I've had to move out of my apartment, completely clean it from top to bottom (which ended up taking me 49 hours straight with absolutely no sleep and this is no lie) - and in the midst of this trying to study for finals, type up a research paper, and oh yeah - find a place to stay. I've had this boundless energy for days... this restlessness. But I think I'm at my breaking point right now.
My head hurts so bad that I'm getting nauseous. My body is so tired. All I want is a bed, couch, or floor to lay in for a few hours. Not that I don't have places I can't spend the night... but conveniently none of those options are available at the moment. My dad and his wife are not at home- I have no key. Mom isn't at home... she's in Huntsville of all places for her to be. Once again, no key. I called Beth after class and she told me she was on her way home and I told her I'd meet her there (I have no key there either). So after sitting on her porch swing for awhile waiting on her, she calls me and tells me she's going to a game with her boyfriend so she's not coming home after all. Fuckin great. It's not like she was in the wrong...I mean, she has the right to go wherever she wants. I even broke down and called my grandparents in Cloverdale to see if I could come lay down there.... no answer.
So after driving around aimlessly and contemplating laying on a bench in Wilson Park, I opted for the UNA library to pass some time. Maybe if I stay here awhile someone will be home at one of the places by the time I leave.
I'm not too down , though. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or saying I've got it worse than anyone else. I'm not that type of person. I realize and am thankful that I'm not completely homeless without ever having any options of a place to go. I am thankful that my only choice EVER isn't a park bench.
Yes, I realize all this. It just fuckin sucks right now.
It wouldn't be so bad if my head wasn't pounding and the room wasn't spinning. A nap cannot come soon enough. And some water, too. I'm really thirsty. Speaking of which, I should look for a water fountain.
Current Mood: exhausted
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April 29th, 2004
04:21 am - The 411 ...as you may/may not know......
For all you nosey motherfuckers:
*Jason and I are moving out of our apartment as of 4-30-04 (friday)
*He will moving to Orlando- with his mother. Ailee and I will be staying at random places. Beth and Brandy just got a house. My dad just remodled his basement into a 1 bedroom apt. and I can stay there some nights- until my bitchy stepmom decides I can't stay there anymore. But hopefully one day i'll be able to give Ailee once again a stable place to live- a bedroom of her own..
*Yes we are breaking up. Not just a teenage breakup, but realizing we have different goals in life and knowing we couldn't go on in misery
*No, there is no third party or cheating involved. Like I stated above, we just have different goals in life and way too many finacial issues which has caused us to be miserable.
*Yes, it is for the best. Not saying it won't affect me deeply, but in the end- it's for the best and I'll be ok.
I know alot of people don't read my journal because I really haven't added many people to my friends list.- but pass this word around:
#1 I appreciate any offers or sympathy, but no- I don't need a shoulder to cry on
nor do I need yout sympathy.
#2 I'd also really appreciate it if I'm not constantly questioned about it. He's moving, I'm advancing in my life. Sometimes u gotta do what u gotta do.
All that matters is me and my daughter. When you have a child, you will understand. It would be rediculous to say this won't affect me emotionally, but I have bigger things going on in life to work out
But I'd really appreciate when/if I go out, that no one asks me about it. I think I have said everything I needed to here. And like I said, pass the info along to anyone who enjoys gossip.
I will be ok. As much as I have been through, things always work out for me.
There. I've stated it, and I would appreciate it if it ends here.
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